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Abandonment/ Solidarity
September 6 I know I have a lot of serious abandonment issues, although I can't really pinpoint why. Probably the best example of this is on many occasions, Tony has come over and then has to leave, and I'll, like, freak out. I mean, I'll go into a state of absolute panic, because nothing I do can get him to stay. Rationally I know that his leaving has nothing to do with me, but for some reason it just doesn't register, and I end up feeling betrayed and used.
I can't really figure out when these feelings of needing someone to pull me out of self- imposed inner alienation began, but for some reason I have it in my head that if someone really loves and understands me, they won't leave me alone with myself. Even though I'm at the point where I like myself, and often prefer my own company to begin with.
This is, obviously, a dangerous and impossible set of expectations, and one which can never be satisfied, leaving me permanently dissillusioned and hurt from any relationship.

September 13
I was just reading over what I wrote, and I don't think my abandonment issues are the defining issue in my relationships at all, which is the way I made it sound. In fact, I've always had a HUGE privacy thing and a personal space thing. Although I think I've learned how to deal with it in a more healthy way over the years than, say, the abandonment thing. But the personal space thing is more of an underlying constant, although the degrees vary with my moods. The abandonment thing is more focused around people I feel really possessive over, and they are always the same people .

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