I know I have a lot of serious abandonment
issues, although I can't really pinpoint why.
Probably the best example of this is on many
occasions, Tony has come over and then
has to leave, and I'll, like, freak out.
I mean, I'll go into a state of absolute panic,
because nothing I do can get him to stay.
Rationally I know that his leaving has
nothing to do with me, but for some reason
it just doesn't register, and I end up
feeling betrayed and used.
I can't really figure out when these feelings
of needing someone to pull me out of self-
imposed inner alienation began, but for some
reason I have it in my head that if someone
really loves and understands me, they won't
leave me alone with myself. Even though
I'm at the point where I like myself, and
often prefer my own company to begin with.
This is, obviously, a dangerous and impossible
set of expectations, and one which can
never be satisfied, leaving me permanently
dissillusioned and hurt from any relationship.
I was just reading over what I wrote, and I don't think my abandonment issues are the defining issue in my relationships at all, which is the way I made it sound. In fact, I've always had a HUGE privacy thing and a personal space thing. Although I think I've learned how to deal with it in a more healthy way over the years than, say, the abandonment thing. But the personal space thing is more of an underlying constant, although the degrees vary with my moods. The abandonment thing is more focused around people I feel really possessive over, and they are always the same people .