Tony is my boyfriend sometimes. I met him
in faire year before last, and he's been in
my life ever since. He's one of the most
fun people I know, and I love him a whole lot.
Throughout the time i've known him, he's
made me really happy, put up with all kinds
of unimaginable bullshit from me, and
generally restored my faith in men. I LOVE
Tony came over today!!! I was so happy; I
missed him so much. He's doing really well
and he looks fucking gorgeous, but then again,
he always does... I'm really possesive of
him, and i absolutely hate the thought of him
dating someone else while i'm gone... not
that we're even really dating now...
Well, time to cut off the stream of thought.
=====August 22, 1999======
I think about Tony all the time these days.
It's mostly abstractions. I wish so much
that I knew what he was thinking. That's the
thing about him that makes me completely
insane; I know about the pieces of his head
but not how they fit together, not which ones
are the priorities. Part of the problem is
that when I see him, he's usually in one
of a handful of moods, and he has states
of mind he spends a huge portion of his life
in that i've never seen! And we've been a
thing off and on for over a year.
How well can you
say that you know a person like this, or
does it even matter, I don't know. I used
to date people to study them, maybe I could
just HAVE this one, just for me, if he'd let
me keep him. I may
have already blown it though. And I'm
not talking about the fact that i'm leaving,
i just have a really hard time believing
that he could legitimately want me for
his girlfriend. Not because of anything
either of us has done, just because there's
this horrible little voice deep down telling
me that i don't deserve human comfort of any
kind, and it gets louder and harder to control
the closer i come.
Paradoxially, I don't percieve myself to
be an unhappy person, figure that one out.
The other thing about the evil embodiment
of my inner desire to push the things I want
most away--- let's call him Clyde, just
is that it fundamentally fucks with me
to think that my psyche is set up to pull me
into an endless circular
purgatory of self-destruction, that I may not
be GOING anywhere, that i might have stopped
growing a long time ago.
It almost doesn't matter who the person it, the act of losing someone is a creature all its own. The you you are when you're in the position of suddenly living without someone seems to pick up right where it left off the last time you experienced loss. In a way it gets easier, maybe it just gets familiar, but you stop thinking its something that will kill you. I'm not analyzing it too much (for once), I'm just rolling with it, wanting to see what happens, what's out there for me, like its a ride and not a choice.
Ok, I guess by now it's disgustingly common knowlege that I'm a possessive person. (Thanks, Zephy =) ) And that I'm really damn possesive and jealous when it comes to Tony. And now the big question:
Yeah, I've had my theories, some of which are less flattering to my nature than others. But while I'm really possessive in general, I'm rarely as bad as with Tony. And it really doesn't make sense. The fixation with him doesn't really coincide with my motives, or at least what I believe my motives to be. [That's such a nasty word, motive. It implies things I don't mean. Lets say... intentions. Ok. There we go. My fixation with him doesn't coincide with my intentions. I mean, I don't sit around all the time wishing we were married and trying to plot some kind of astral pregnancy like some psycho from a 50s movie. Yeah, we've got a lot of history and I want him in my life, and miss him terribly, but I don't have some kind of internal ultimatum, or even one specific image of how I want us to be. I just know what I like, and I like him. More than that, really.
But I do want to date other people. Aside from the Alison thing, which is confusing enough as it is, there's just a lot of things I want right now. And they may or may not involve something romantic.
But I'm still obnoxiously possessive about Tony. I think about him with someone else, and I get all pissed off, and occasionally sick to my stomach. See, its not that I'm obsessed, I'm fine and having a good time completely independantly from the idea of him, even though I admittedly still have feelings. But I won't let him do the same.
I can't believe you had a life before me. I can't believe they let you run around free. Exploiting your body wherever it seemed like a good idea. Imagine me behind your eyes, and what did I see? I saw hips, I saw thighs, I saw secret positions that we never tried, I saw jealousy.